November 27, 2017

La Peur

There is a fear within me.

A fear to be rejected. A fear to be not accepted. A fear to fail. A fear to do a mistake. A fear to miss someone. A fear to lose. A fear to get hurt. A fear to be ignored. A fear to be hatred. A fear to be accused. A fear to fall. A fear to get lost. A fear to speak ill. A fear to despise. A fear to shed tears. A fear to laugh. A fear to be emotional. A fear to lose faith. A fear to not be loved. A fear to lose my peace. A fear to be lost in the crowd. A fear to run out of time. A fear to get drenched. A fear to stay with self. A fear to dream. A fear to be content. A fear to speak my mind. A fear to confess my emotions. A fear to face the society. A fear to not being able to be with someone. A fear to be successful. A fear to live. A fear to fear.


Does it really matter?

No. It does not. I can only be that what I have always thought of only after being a killer. A Murderer. And I know that no one will ever accuse me for being a terminator because no one will ever know what I have terminated unless I reflect it.

Is it really tough to be an executioner?

No. Not at all. It won’t break me. It will make me and it will make me way better that what I am when I make myself a killer.

A killer to kill all my fears. A killer who has everything and afraid of losing nothing. A killer who is content and grateful for everything he has. And this is the time to be a killer. To kill everything and be void within with nothing and everything inside.

Let me be a terminator, a proud one.

And hell yeah, I just executed everything within me and I have no regrets or repents. And I am all content now.

I am an EXECUTIONER. Come, hang me. Oh… I pity you… because you can’t do that and I feel so satisfied.

July 15, 2017

Haut et Bas

Life… What a beautiful four letters word, alike, Love.

What it is? Many have experienced and described it or defined it on their own way. And I am sitting here under the full moon sky on the shore of this mesmerizing sea and pondering about life. It seems like a tide to me sometimes and sometimes like a mountain, sometimes it looks like a road and sometimes like an electrocardiogram.

Tides go up and down as they have their dance moves and I dance without even shaking a part of my body but the heart keeps dancing to its own beats.

Life has its own beats. It has its own ups and downs. The ups always enlighten me and give me a confidence to make something better. On the contrary, the downs never let me get up. Is it what life is? Isn’t it meant to be like a road which always teaches to go on and on without looking back? Isn’t it meant to be like the mountains of the Himalayas and back your negative thoughts with positive ones and keeps ensuring life that everything will be fine and not to fret?

But how would you behave when you feel that nothing is going right in your life just because you broke your heart for the first time when your first love which was supposed to last forever became number. And when you’re supposed to get hold of it, you lose someone forever who was really close to you and when you’re about to get rid of it, you lose your job and when you think that you’re about to fall over again, you see yourself and realize that you don’t have a job to support yourself, forget about being in a relationship.

Life gives you an option, it always does, whether to focus on what you have or what you don’t have, what’s wrong is happening or happened or all the enthralling moments which happened are yet to happen.

After living a couple of decades, the realization hit and it did hit hard. It will go on as if it never ends, it will go up and the moments will always remain up even if the circumstances are down. It will make you stoic that the demise of someone close to you won’t affect unless you close yourself in a dark room and the carefree attitude will release you from the so-called close contacts although the ones who really know you, will never leave you.

Just like a coin, you will own two faces, one for self and the other for the whole world. The world will see the upside of yours and you will face your downside when you’re aloof.

Cheer up, be insanely sane, be downside up and upside down. That’s life, that’s you. Be YOU, be SELF, be emotionally up when you’re down and be down when your ego is up.


April 4, 2017


A few evenings ago, I was lying on the terrace looking at the twinkling stars and thinking about the next content. The grey cells were totally numb. While the numbness of the grey cells persist, the mobile beeps informed the brain to use its cells and the mobile showed “1 message received” when the eyes looked at it. I went through the text which was from one of my friends. The moment I went through the message I got the content. The grey cells were out of their numbness and started working.

I’ve always wondered about the sex. It’s not about the intercourse, I am talking about. I am talking about the masculine and feminine sex or gender. God’s greatest invention “human being”, which is comprised of man and woman. God’s most beautiful creation “WOMAN”. It’s always been a mystery for everyone to suss out this sex. I have heard it somewhere that the heart of a woman is like the depth of an ocean. And,  I’ve always wondered “Who is SHE” or “What is SHE”?

Is she a baby or a daughter or a sister or a friend or a student or a lover or a wife or a mother or a Goddess or a symbol of purity or an actress or a virago or a prey of the man’s physical hunger or a satyriasis or a puppet in a society or an example of counterfeit or a two-legged materialistic creature or a blood sucker?

She might not be any of those and might be something or someone else.  I’ve always found her as a soul enlightening person, a light in the abyss of darkness, a teacher to teach me about every little thing starting from the movement of the tongue to the most pious thing how to make love. She is the indivisible and invisible part of my aura and my soul. She is the hope in the darkness of despondency. She is the mirror when I need some rectification, she is the eternal motivation when I am imbibed with external demotivation. She is the destiny of the life’s journey, she is the concentration. She is the covert symbol of existence. She is the thought of my life, she is the mysterious truth. She made me the unsolved puzzle.  She is the importance. She is the reason of my existence, however, she is not the reason behind my success because she is my success. She is not the reason for my happiness as she is my happiness.

April 4, 2017

La Vie et La Mort

I was totally depressed with my chaotic life. Nothing was moving as per the plans, failing in each and everything which I was starting and sometimes, the plans were ruined before they were executed. The more I was thinking, the more I was getting into the claws of negativity. I have already became a prey of the Satan. The angels were far far away from my life. The thoughts which were coming were filled with negative vibes. I have always dealt with the Satan, however, the angels used to be there most of the time. This time it’s being too tough to deal with the Satan all alone. I felt like a kid left alone in a dungeon. I was so frustrated then, that I felt like giving the body of mine to the Satan and the soul to the angels.

Life has always been beautiful and this time I was unable to enjoy the serenity of this beauty. I was unable to learn how to live any more. As said by Leonardo da Vinci “While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die.” So, I, finally, decided to take the life out of myself and be a part of death in stead of dying every second, every moment. It’s the dusk (the best hour out of the 24 hours), when I took the guts out of my own self to kill myself. The venom penetrated through my throat dissolving the organs while travelling to the intestine and I thought, for a moment, as if I was dead and free from all the responsibilities, worries, tautness, conflicts and my soul is going to rest in peace. The next moment, I found myself totally conscious, being more responsible than ever before. I started puking by that time and the feeling of regret was killing my inner self more than the poison. The parents of mine were aware of this act and immediately took me to the hospital. When I was going to the hospital, I was having a great conversation with the DEATH and nobody was able to hear the conversation. Nobody was able to hear this tacit conversation of ours. I reached the hospital, doctor did some treatments which I never knew as I was busy talking to my best pal, Death (then). After some moments, I found myself lying on a bed and the best pal of mine has left me. Someone asked me with a curve on his face while my eyes were looking for my, the then, best pal who was neither present there nor willing to turn up.  Perhaps, I was intoxicated for which my eyelashes were desperate to hug each other. Whenever they were hugging each other, I was accompanied with the angels and it was so lightened that I was unable to cope up with that light. Slowly and steadily, I coped up with the light and the angels, who showed me the life of mine. The beauty of life was inexplicable. I met it and it did not utter a single word, however, when I opened my eyes later, I found a radical change within me. I was looking for the death then which came and had a great word with me and told me to be with him since then. Because of that radical change (don’t know exactly what’s that change), I turned it down and his ego was hurt for which he told me that, he won’t come ever again and the next time when he’ll come, he’ll take me along with him without any questions.

I met DEATH and even, I met LIFE and I then discovered that the DEATH is beautiful to be with, however, LIFE is much more beautiful to live with. Since that day, I never lived a dead life. I just live my life.

While I was learning how to live, I, exactly, was not learning how to live, I was learning how to spend it, not live it. The day I learnt how to live it, death was far far away with the Satan and the Angels were all around. And, whenever, I met Satan by chance, I found Angels within them even.

April 4, 2017

Une Lettre

My Dearest Sweetest Adorable Uncanny Life,
   I wanted to meet you when I  did not know what life is. The more I spoke to you, the more I came closer to you. The more I loved you, the less I knew about you. Nothing or nobody can ever measure the eternity of the emotions but I dared to, although I despised it.
I love everything about my life, the smile, the voice, the anger, the support, the care, the understanding, the silence, the sharing, the intuition, the telepathy, the pain, the tears, the trust, the thoughts, the elegance. One survives or lives not only because of the life or the soul, it’s because of the life and the soul and I don’t know which one you are or you represent both.
  The stars above not always twinkle but they shine, they always have a brightness in them and I am glad to have the brightness within me which is making me indefatigable. I love the tacit relationship of ours.  Sometimes, the wind blows hard against you, you don’t oppose it and let it blow and then ask the reason. Sometimes, you back out and refrain yourself from the blow and I feel deserted and land up in a place known as nowhere.
   I show my love and I owe my gratitude to my life who is my soul filled with eternal love.
   Thank you for being the silent smile of my heart. Thank you for being the soul of my body.
Yours lovingly,
(Sometimes, the name in the sign off hurts.)
April 4, 2017

Une réalité dans un rêve

Some say I am vulnerable and most say impassive; and I smile at their assertion.

I used to meet a kid everyday till a few days ago. Sometimes, once in 24 hours and sometimes more than that. I was never good to him. He has always seen the bitter side of mine. Kids are the great souls and I am not good with the great souls. He was more compatible and comfortable with my sibling and parents.

A few days ago, he shifted to a different place along with his parents and I did not even bother to bid him a goodbye. He even left without bothering himself to bid me a goodbye.

A few days after he shifted, I was having my usual nap in the afternoon (the naps last for 3-4 hours at the least). To my utter surprise, I found him during that short nap. He was sitting beside me on the bed and apologizing for all those ill feelings which he had. The eyelashes got parted when a drop of those salty water rolled down my forehead. I woke up, wiped off and walked to the washroom to pour some cold water on my face.

I realized that the apology to be a dream and the tears to be a reality.

Even the weirdest of our dreams have got some emotional impact in the real life and teaches us to move on leaving behind the ill feelings.

October 6, 2016

Je me Reveille

I wake up to your smile

I wake up to walk a mile

I wake up to the chirruping of the birds

I wake up to the memories of the way we played cards

I wake up to walk on the dew

I wake up to listen to the mew

I wake up to mend the broken hearts

I wake up to heal the invisible scars

I wake up to accept the positive vibes

I wake up to love all the tribes.

October 5, 2016

Le Silence

The most precious moment in a life when everything is in chaos is the moment of silence. The moment when even the cacophony does not have any effect on the ear drums in a crowd. It’s required when the grey cells make the maximum noise inside the brain and do not listen to anyone. It’s required when the heart bleeds and no one can listen to it’s despondency. It’s required when the the mind needs to be in melancholy. It’s when there is an aura filled with negativity and you can’t come out of it. It’s required when you need the air within you to breathe. It’s required when you want your inner demons to shut their mouth and zip their lips. It’s required when someone leaves you. It’s required when you are successful. It’s required when you are anxious about something. It’s required when a change is coming on your way. It’s required when you believe the unbelievable. It’s required when you talk to people on every day basis who you know are dumb but think that they are omniscience. It’s required when you see the hues and cries around you. It’s required when you need to be yourself. It’s required when you are completely in love. It’s required when you need to feel the impalpable. It’s required when you want to listen to your beats. It’s required when you need the time to live. It’s required when you have to feel your breathe. It’s required when you think it’s not required.

September 8, 2016

Whatever it Takes…

We do heck of a things and we sometimes give up heck up a things. Everyone does the same thing and when we want to do something different then we find that most of the things are already done by someone else. How can we do the same thing again and if we are doing the same thing, will we succeed in that? The mind is struck by some of the questions like this instantly. We do some surveys on this, give some time to this, live for this and then we give up as we feel that it’s not the right thing to get the success. Do we really do this? All? No. Some? Yes.
We just need to keep one thing in our mind, “Whatever it Takes, I will complete it. Nothing can stop me from completing this errand which I have assigned to myself.”. That is the time when the success will proceed towards us. We have to remember that if we are doing the same thing, there must be something different in it. It must not be same or have any resemblance with others. It needs to be different. If we are doing something new which does not exist then we need to believe in it. We need to LIVE it to its fullest without having a bit of doubt in the gray cells. That’s the time when you will feel in a different way somewhere within core of your heart.
Whatever it takes, you get up every morning and complete your ablutions. Similarly, whatever it takes, you have to believe in your ownself and trust your belief to make the things happen.
Every relationship stands on a feeling and some emotions. Every feeling and emotion are different. When there is a clash in the emotions or the feelings, a relationship parts. That’s when the belief lacks. The relationships which stand the lack of communications, come over the clashes of emotions and do not suspect the feelings, make a great relationship and the bond can never be broken. There are only a few examples of great relationships.
Likewise, we have to understand the emotion of the task which we are doing for our own self so as to reach the pinnacle. We only refrain our self from our dreams only when we have a clash with it and the bonding breaks. Every single relationship is delicate and we have to live it in stead of taking it for granted.
We want to succeed and we lack the guts to walk and hold the hands of the success at any point of time at any cost and whatever it takes from us.
Whatever it takes, live it.
Whatever it takes. get it.
Whatever it takes, do it.
whatever it takes, feel it.
Whatever it takes, make it.
Whatever it takes, achieve it,
Whatever it takes, win it.
As in the end, it’s all about YOU and you ONLY.

September 6, 2016

The Breakup

Every move of hers blew me out. She was junior to me in school and I had my eyes set on her. I took the first step and she agreed to take the steps forward together forever. Many beautiful moments were lived together until one day she bid a farewell. Forever lasted for three months.

I felt the tears rolling down my eyes for a couple of days in the darkness and the heart bled in the day light till a girl who was around five years older than me came and held my hands. She not only helped me in my studies but also healed my bleeding heart. She hugged me so tight that I realized that my heart won’t bleed ever again. We had this secret affair. She texted me at three in the morning confessing her love and bidding a farewell. She vanished in the thin air as there was no contact of hers. No phone, no emails and none of her friends knew about her. The secret affair secretly broke up and the heart secretly wept, the devastated emotions were secretly hidden.

I was meant not to be in love. Ever. I was afraid to take another chance, a risk, and hurt myself. Moreover, it was impossible to think of anyone else. She was secretly travelling through my grey cells and flowing through my heart.The clock ticked, weather changed, places changed and so did life.

I was proved to be wrong by self and the one pole of the magnet was again attracting the another pole. Someone, again, entered into my life who was almost of the same age as mine. It started with a formal chat and became informal. The words of a few minutes became night long laughter. The first kiss was experienced and the same cup of coffee was shared. The lunch plates were always the same and there were never two cones of ice-creams. The heart felt that the time has come to settle down with this beautiful woman and have a stress free life but (this damn but always changes the whole meaning. Damn this but) it was not meant to be in that way. Society came into the picture and I became the antagonist. Everything was futile and every effort to convince went in vain. And we broke up, again.

The broken mirror can’t be joined without having a scar but the broken heart can be mend without leaving any ill experiences. The heart has decided to live a life without having any other affairs and break-ups. It was fed up with the social taboo and the trauma. It was not meant to be suffered every time. Neither the -OH group nor the consolations, neither travel nor the nature could heal my heart and I was in no position to trust myself in a relationship anymore. I knew that I won’t recover from it ever but I understood, after a few years of dwelling over, that it’s a waste pondering over things which I can’t change or handle. There is no point wasting life over the things which don’t value you.

I am, after a few years of struggle with the inner beast, happily settled now with a beautiful soul who accepted wholly. We have no particular place as we keep changing our location every other year. We are walking together towards our dreams which is secretly shared by us to live a life full of laughter.

None of my relationships was a delusion, none was based upon a fake emotion, none was meant for passing time and none of them were worth for me. I am thankful and my life is filled with gratitude without any angst and remorse.

The breakups joined me together after breaking me apart.